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Jorge Rivera: Michael Bisping is ‘misunderstood’ in the same way that Hitler, Pol Pot, Mussolini, and Stalin are

By Zach Arnold | February 17, 2011

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It has come to this. Plan A: I posted the card line-up for UFC 127 and it went over like a turd in a punch bowl.

Plan B would have involved me discussing the upcoming Jon Fitch/BJ Penn fight, but then murmurs came out last night that BJ wants to eventually go back to Lightweight (155 pounds) after fighting Fitch at 170 pounds in a fight being billed as crowning a new challenger for the winner of the Georges St. Pierre/Jake Shields fight. I’m sure Dana’s thrilled to hear BJ is yo-yo-ing again on weight classes. Kind of defeats the purpose if Penn is going back to Lightweight after the Australia fight, doesn’t it?

Which leaves us with Plan C: finding the dumbest, lowest-common-denominator thing possible to talk about in relation to this card in Australia — a card that will do big business there but looks shaky internationally in terms of PPV demand from the fans. I tried. I really tried. It’s fundraising week, after all.

I think we have a winner.

NARRATOR: “The Count. El Conquistador. Two of the heaviest hitters in the Middleweight division go toe-to-toe for all the Vegemite.”

BISPING IMPERSONATOR: “People really latching onto hating Michael Bisping. People don’t really know Michael Bisping. Until you meet Michael Bisping, I’ve actually never met Michael Bisping but if I did, I’d think I’d really like Michael Bisping.”

JORGE RIVERA: “Did you know that the Mayans thought that the world was going to end in the year 2012? Did you also know that the Mayans also thought the world was flat?”

BISPING IMPERSONATOR: “How would I describe Michael Bisping’s fighting style? I can sum it up in, ‘ol, one word: gritty, powerful, amazing, voluptuous, obtuse, vascular, depth charge, fastidious.”

JORGE RIVERA: “Did you know the Mayans would kill virgins when their crops weren’t harvested? Holy shit! My corn isn’t growing. Bring me a virgin. A good looking one, at that, with a healthy heart. Crazy Mayans!”

(Bisping impersonator does Shake weight routine.)

BISPING IMPERSONATOR: “I’ve really wanted a bigger opponent, you know, like Nate Marquardt or King Neptune or Zeus or Zeus & Fedor or Fedor on Zeus’s shoulders and they can both punch but only Zeus can kick. A five man tournament where we all fight at the same time but it’s everyone versus Michael Bisping. If five men were on Fedor’s shoulders, who was also on Zeus’s shoulders, but only Zeus can kick, but Fedor can go from takedowns from the shoulders, I think that’d be more of an opponent worthy of Michael Bisping rather than Jorge Rivera. Who’s Jorge Rivera? I don’t even know.”

JORGE RIVERA: “Did you know the average human head weighs between 8 and 12 pounds?”

BISPING IMPERSONATOR: “No biscuits. I fucking hate biscuits.”

(Caption says ‘pardon me, sir, but could I trouble you for a spot of tea? No biscuits, please, I rather prefer not to have biscuits if it is all the same to you.’)

JORGE RIVERA: “80% of the koala bears in Australia right now have Chlamydia. So, Michael…”

BISPING IMPERSONATOR: “Hamburgers? Who the fuck ever, what’s a hamburger? Fucking meat biscuit!

(Caption says ‘Jolly good offer, old chap, but I’d rather not have a hamburger now thank you.’)

“Do you want to know what I’m going to do to him? If he even stands and trades with me, I’m just going to walk right through him. I’m going to walk right in and blow Jorge… blow through Jorge, Eric, Eric, don’t put that in.”

JORGE RIVERA: “You know what really burns my ass? A flame about this high.”

BISPING IMPERSONATOR: “And Michael Bisping, you know, you know, Michael Bisping, Michael Bisping, Michael Bisping, uh, George Michael Bisping, you know…”

(Caption says ‘George Michael is left handed. His father, like Michael Bisping, is from Cyprus.’ Map of Cyprus shown.)

JORGE RIVERA: “I have no fucking idea what he just said.”

BISPING IMPERSONATOR: “Mobile phones, hamburgers, bobbies, rubbish, Mary Poppins, fucking you know Michael Bisping, fuck off, you know. [unintelligible]”

(Caption says ‘cell phones, a harmless fight, police officers, bullshit, Mary Poppins. Poppycock! You know? Michael Bisping, you know? unintelligible grunt, You know? Golly gosh what what! You know? I like the Beatles.’)

JORGE RIVERA: “Seriously, I have no idea what he just said.”

BISPING IMPERSONATOR: “I’ve seen his album, his a capella hits, I’m not very impressed, really.”

(Caption says ‘whilst I’m an eclectic fan of The Arts, Jorge’s album lays slightly outside of my preferences.’)

JORGE RIVERA: “People say that I don’t have respect for Michael Bisping and that’s just not true. I have respect for all of his professional jobs. Postman, DJ, and professional decision winner.”

BISPING IMPERSONATOR: “I’ll tell you what, I’ll take your DJ, your a capella hits, I’ll put it in my DJ disc, and I’ll scratch the fuck out of it. Fucking scratch it. Fuck!”

(Caption says ‘I hope that after this fight, Jorge and I can work together, singer and DJ, on a compilation album. I believe we’d make sweet music together.’)

JORGE RIVERA: “In every video, Michael Bisping likes to fancy himself from being UP NORTH. He acts like he’s a flatcat-wearing, pigeon-fancying, ferret-laying Northerner. But he’s not even from Yorkshire!”

(Map of Cyprus is shown again.)

(Bisping impersonator does Shake weight routine.)

BISPING IMPERSONATOR: “I think the stakes are pretty high in this fight and we share the same birthday, so really, it’s going to come down to who wins the fight gets to keep the birthday. If I win, it’s going to be Michael Bisping’s birthday and Jorge will have to celebrate Michael Bisping’s birthday and forfeit all his presents to me.”

JORGE RIVERA: “If you watch enough video of Michael Bisping, you hear the same thing over and over again, that’s he’s misunderstood. And that might true. Just like Hitler, Pol Pot, Mussolini, Stalin, Nero, Caligula, and David Hasselhoff.”

BISPING IMPERSONATOR: “Jorge Rivera thinks that he’s going to stand and trade with me. Does he have any idea how hard it is to run a 50 kilometer race while punching? Has he ever tried it? Well, I’m going to fucking put that to the test. What?”

(Caption says, ‘Little known fact: Michael Bisping ran the 40 meter dash backwards faster than Deion Sanders.’)

“Rivera’s talking a lot of smack about where I come from (map of Cyprus shown) and WHERE I COME FROM, you don’t talk smack about where Michael Bisping (map of Cyprus shown) comes from.”

JORGE RIVERA: “Matt Hamill won. Chris Leben won. Anybody else that’s gotten a decision with you, they won.”

BISPING IMPERSONATOR: “Every time I fight, everybody says, you know, we want a more exciting fight, you know. And, you know, you can’t do that, you know, you can’t just get all your way all the time. It’s not that I do. I don’t give exciting fights, you know, don’t ask me for that, ever. I’m spent.”

JORGE RIVERA: “Call me old-fashioned, but every time I step in that cage I go in there to finish the fight, not to manipulate the game or run around for 15 minutes and brag for the next three months how I won the fight.”

Topics: MMA, Media, UFC, Zach Arnold | 5 Comments » | Permalink | Trackback |

5 Responses to “Jorge Rivera: Michael Bisping is ‘misunderstood’ in the same way that Hitler, Pol Pot, Mussolini, and Stalin are”

  1. Steve4192 says:

    I prefer the Monty Python tribute in the most recent video:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dLTniiY8BVc&feature=player_embedded

    For good measure, here is the first (and weakest) one.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=91Jd-m6Qy94

    Personally, I think these videos are great. They have turned a rather bland and nondescript veteran fighter into someone who stands out from the crowd. He did the same type of videos before the Quarry fight and has been building the Jorge ‘character’ for quite a while now. Good for him.

    http://www.youtube.com/user/RangerUpVideo

    Just saw that Jorge’s a capella hits were mentioned in the transcript. Here they are:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3MQ_ue43EWM

  2. 45 Huddle says:

    All Internet discussions will eventually mention hitler if you let them go on long enough.

  3. edub says:

    Funny stuff.

  4. [...] Although Bisping is set to undergo said eye exams today, UFC Tonight passed along word that the Brit has developed a cataract in his injured right eye that could halt his return. If Bisping passes all the required exams, he should be cleared to fight. If he fails the tests and requires additional surgery, he could be looking at another six weeks out of action. I have to imagine that this will hamper his ability to kick Mark Munoz and Lyoto Machida’s asses at the same time, but then again, I never fought five men on Fedor’s shoulders who was also on Zeus’s shoulders but only Zeus could kick. [...]

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