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About that CBC Radio “Mixed Martial Arts moms” segment…
By Zach Arnold | August 25, 2010
Late last night, on both Twitter and FB there was a link to a CBC Radio piece called “Mixed Martial Arts moms” for a show called “This is That.” The radio segment airs on CBC Radio 1 and claims to be a segment about 6 and 7 year olds training and fighting MMA-style fights weekly at a community center.
As you might guess, it’s a parody written and narrated by comedian Peter Oldring but done in a deadpan manner (i.e. Onion style) that’s meant to make fun of hockey moms and people who think that MMA is good for society. The target of the segment is the UFC and any parent who’s a fan of it.
Because of the deadpan serious tone it’s delivered in, there’s been confusion out there online about this being a real story. (Which is a feature, not a bug for This is That.) The reason that there’s confusion is because the segment is so horribly unfunny that you would have thought it came from Saturday Night Live.
Transcript of the radio segment can be read in full-page mode.
(Folksy background music)
(“This is the part that he hates the most.”)
PETER OLDRING: “It’s 6:30 AM on a Saturday and like most Canadian moms, Sheila Bennett is waking up her 7-year old son for practice.”
(“Get your shorts on. Oh, don’t forget your gloves.”)
PETER OLDRING: “But unlike most moms, Sheila’s not waking up 7-year old Matthew for hockey practice or lacrosse or even figure skating.”
(“Hurry up, honey!”)
SHEILA BENNETT: “My kid is so physical and you know you get so tired as a Mom telling kids, you know, stop hitting, stop kicking, stop playing. Boys aren’t meant to just sit and read books. They’re physical and it’s so great that there’s a sport where he can vent all that.”
PETER OLDRING: “Sheila’s taking her 7-year old to bare knuckle fight in a new sport that’s really catching on with kids across Canada. Mixed Martial Arts, or MMA.”
SHEILA BENNETT: “We tried hockey. There’s not enough fighting for him. He’s a super-aggressive kid and this is where he can explore that. You know our kid’s a fighter, he’s a brawler, he’s got heavy hands. Like he’s actually got big, meaty hands, so that’s good for the hitting. I don’t know if it’s going to be the NHL but if it, then we’re the first wave which is pretty awesome.”
(“Let’s go, get your mouth guard.”)
PETER OLDRING: “When we arrive at the community center, an Octagonal cage has been erected in the middle of the room. Two of the older kids, aged 8 and 9, are finishing a match. Billy Thorburn has a bloody nose and a puffy eye but manages to retain his Jr. Welterweight belt by knocking out Felix Chong with a face kick. Sheila heads to the bleachers to sit with the other enthusiastic MMA moms.”
DEBBIE CONNORS: “Hi, my name is Debbie Connors and my son is Oliver and he’s 5 1/2 years old and I am actually the President of the MMMAA, which is the Mothers Mixed Martial Arts Association.”
PEGGY: “My name’s Peggy, my son’s name is Braden, he’s 6 1/2, he’s into Brazilian-style jiu-jitsu.”
DEBBIE CONNORS: “Yeah, of course, the first time I saw Oliver ger his trachea crushed, of course I was nervous. But the thing is with toddlers, they have such an ability to rebound physically.”
PEGGY: “He’s a swift fighter, a fast fighter, and a hard fighter.”
PETER OLDRING: “Sheila’s son, Matthew, enters the Octagon to square off against Peggy’s husky 6-year old, Braden.”
(On your marks… Braden! C’mon Braden! Matthew! Go get him Braden! Go get him! Get down! Get down!)
PETER OLDRING: “The fighting is so ferocious and intense, it’s easy to forget that I’m watching 6 and 7 year olds.”
(“Stop crying! Stop crying! That’s it!”)
PETER OLDRING: “Their moves are calculated and precise.”
(“Get his eyes! Get his eyes! What are you doing?”)
PETER OLDRING: “They’re like miniature versions of their heroes, the fighters made famous by the UFC on television.”
(“Ahhhhh!!! Braden!”)
PETER OLDRING: “The match ends quickly as Matthew’s choked out in the first round. Although Sheila is disappointed with the result, she remains supportive and I’m reminded of something she said to me earlier in the day.”
SHEILA BENNETT: “As a parent, when you find something that your child loves, you owe it to them to steer them that down path and help them achieve it and you know for Matthew it… is.. Mixed… Martial… Arts.”
(Folksy music)
SHEILA BENNETT: “So, yeah, well we didn’t win today but, um, I know sweetie, I was yelling ‘guard! guard!” I saw it coming at you. Remember the guard? OK.”
PETER OLDRING: “Mixed Martial Arts may not be as widespread as hockey, yet. But I did learn one thing after spending the day with Sheila and Matthew… whether it’s scoring goals or landing blows, it’s the loving support of mothers across this country that give our kids the chance to flourish and grow up to be the next generation of well-adjusted Canadians.”
DEBBIE CONNORS: “Last weekend, my son Oliver and where is he, Craig, they were in a match together and Oliver just absolutely shattered Craig’s nose and then the next night, he invited him over for a sleepover and so that’s just the sense of community you can only get through MMA. We just love it.”
PETER OLDRING: “Tapping out, I’m Peter Oldring.”
Topics: Canada, Media, MMA, UFC, Zach Arnold | 5 Comments » | Permalink | Trackback |
The average age of a CBC1 listener is like 87. So yeah.
Mr. Oldring’s piece frightened me. I heard about MMA mothers fights in the US, and I would not be surprised that the violent South would make its way North of the border. The tone of the air segment was not outrageous enough to make it clearly to the auditory that it is a bad joke. It scared me that it may be the sad truth. Next time please make sure you pass your message in a clearer manner, Mr. Oldring.
That was hilarious and quite obvious to me that it was a joke! C’mon people……have a sense of humor! (And by the way, I’m 41, not 87,”smoogy “.
[…] was disturbing and then I was quickly reminded of how the commercial reinforced the stereotypes in that horribly unfunny CBC Radio parody about 6 and 7 year old kids getting into MMA because Ontario province is now allowing MMA events to take place in the area. The reaction I got […]
Mother’s fight? I guess that’s the funniest thing I have ever come across to this day…It is really really weird and some kind of exciting also. One thing I can advice, mothers who will go into MMA don’t ever bring your family or relatives with you :D…